TERRIBLEPHOTOS.COM

Cornrows Inspire Hostility & Boost Sales

kcrawford70@cox.net (Miss Odious Vile) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:49:00 GMT

I don't know about you, but something about this serial killer style advertising doesn't appeal to me. I think a hair braiding service is being promoted? But, one can't be too sure. It could be a decapitation service.

I like cornrows as much as the next person. Especially after seeing Bo Derek parade around in them in "10" when I was the tender age of 10, and wishing that I could don a bathing suit, have my mom braid my hair and instantly be transformed into Bo replete with all her oozy sex appeal.

Except for after trying it, I soon realized that in my awkward pre-pubescent state, I was missing a crucial 10-12 inches of strategically placed bod to pull off this look. Not to mention the fact that I bore absolutely no physical resemblance to Miss Derek. Woe was me. At least I got some good hot mess, disco frizz hair mileage out of the deal, which helped score me some enviable skating rink style points.

And while I like cornrows, I find that I like them even more when they are worn on a head with a body attached, versus a head that has been shoved onto a pole, shiskabob style.

It appears that this bevvy of beaded, braided, beheaded beauties are mounted along what looks to be the shores of a secluded island. Poor girls. One minute they were running around slowmo in their super sexy, high-cut, leggy one pieces, flirting with short English men in unflattering gray sweatsuits, preparing to roll some doobies later than evening just before settling down and making love to the sweet sounds of Ravel's Bolero.
The next thing you know they were being staked into the sand, Lord of The Flies fashion. "The heads are for the beast! They are a gift!"

While totally gory and gruesome, apparently this was a highly successful small business advertising campaign. I hear it already won a Clio in Barbados and is up for an Addy. Good luck girls! I hope you come out a-head of the competition.

This Bacon's No Scab!

kcrawford70@cox.net (Miss Odious Vile) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 11:33:54 GMT

http://www.flickr.com/photos/editor/ / CC BY 2.0

Mmmmm....do I smell bacon? Or maybe it's bacon's svelter, dare I say anorexic?! cousin, Sizzlean. Everyone hates Sizzlean because she's always saying bossy, annoying shit like "Move Over Bacon!!!" and reminding the rest of the family how fat they are. Not to mention that time she landed that gig mannequin modeling at The Limited. Bitch!

When I first laid eyes on this photo, I was disgusted. But pretty instantly afterwards, I got really hungry.
I started thinking how delicious this scab would be on top of a cheeseburger.

Oops. Did I lose you there? Sorry. I think I forgot to disclose one very important element of this story.
Yes, you heard me right. What you are looking at is not bacon at all. It is a human being's gigantic, bigger than life, grossly picked off, completely intact, nasty, gag-inducing scab.

Now that you're done throwing up, I was wondering if you've ever seen such a thing? I, for one, had not. Especially not one with so much personality. See the little mouth? It's like he's scowling. It seems he's pretty pissed off that he got picked on.

I really wish a ruler had been placed in the photo for scale. If I had to guess, I'd reckon this sucker would measure a good 5 inches long x 1.5 inches wide. Sorry, but I cannot be sure of the depth. If the bacon, I mean scab, had been positioned standing up on its side, I could have made a reasonable guess. Points off for thoughtless composition.

I would like to commend this scab owner for his bravery. Never in my life have I had the guts to pick off a scab this magnificent. Something about scarring would have scared (or shall I say "scarred") me out of it. Hardeharharhar!!

Unfortunately, I don't know the exact nature of the injury that produced this remarkable scab specimen. My guess is skateboarding. I also am going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is a leg scab. Possibly of a knee origin. I'm happy to hear your thoughts as I realize that I am not a scab expert, nor do I pretend to be one.

In the meantime, I am going to try to erase the thought that keeps occurring to me of this scab crumbled over a spinach salad.
Like this.....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/dan4th/ / CC BY 2.0

Ummmmmmm!!!! Dee-lish!

Buff & Dry

kcrawford70@cox.net (Miss Odious Vile) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:02:00 GMT

http://www.flickr.com/photos/editor/ / CC BY 2.0

First of all, I don't dry my hair in the nude. Maybe I am alone in this. I never thought much about it until now. Perhaps a Nielsen Household Survey is in order. Or maybe this is a question that should be added to the 2010 Census. Dear Sir or Madam: Do you or do you not naked blow dry? Curious minds want to know.

But, while I am not philosophically opposed to nude hairdrying, what I do know is that if I were to take it up, say as a hobby, I would not be doing it while sitting bare-assed on what looks to be a dirty floor. When was that thing last swept? Much less mopped? There are visible chunks of trash sitting not 8 inches from her hoo hoo and she's perfectly fine with that. When she gets gonorrhea, I'll be the first to tell her "I told you so!"

I also can't get over the fact that there seems to be a major fire hazard here. What is she using to dry her hair? The world's largest space heater? I am pretty sure if we could see the next frame it would feature this same girl swatting her head to put out the flames à la Michael Jackson and his Pepsi commercial.

When I spotted the two tiny saucers on the floor I began to wonder if this is one of those women who wishes she were born a cat. Like this lady...

I am pretty sure I've never used a saucer for anything other than to feed a cat with. Me? I prefer to rest my coffee cup directly on my gut. So my question to you: Was this naked chick lapping milk out of these saucers before she decided to stop and stick her hair directly into a heater only to have her hair catch on fire and the next day be diagnosed with a venereal disease that she acquired from the bottom of someone's shoe who had recently walked about on her unswept hardwood floors?

Oh to be a fly on the wall.

p.s. As an interesting addendum, a friend wrote me after reading this post to tell me she knows the woman in the photo. Apparently, the woman, a schoolteacher (raise eyebrows here) in New Orleans (let eyebrows back down, it is New Orleans after all), was actually nursing a bug bite in the nude, not drying her hair as originally thought. A-ha! It is all so clear now. And, no, I don't do that in the nude either, so my argument still stands.

It's Not Just Bad, It's Pretty Offal

kcrawford70@cox.net (Miss Odious Vile) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 12:31:00 GMT

Photo courtesy HLang

While I'm not sure exactly what this is, I am pretty sure it used to exist inside of me. Frankly, I am surprised I haven't noticed it missing.
It looks pretty important and doesn't appear I could survive without whateverthehellthisis.

While some people are really into eating offal or animal organ meats, I have to say I am on the side of the fence that thinks it's pretty awful. Even the most universally basic ones, commonplace through the annals of history, make me shiver. "Kidneys? I'm sorry, but I've given them up for Lent." "Liver? Thanks, but I'm pretty full from my own saliva. I'll have to take a raincheck."

I wonder what restaurant this is. And who made the decision to serve this grossness atop some aluminum foil?

What was the thought process? Let's role play for a second, shall we?

Restaurant Worker #1 (Yengi): Hmmm...well, while I don't see it myself , I do see your point that this dish could maybe, just mayyyybe look like something recently hacked out of a human. With an axe. A large, unsharpened one. And while that might be a turn off to a few people, (I think we're talking fraction of one percent here)..I think I know what we can do to make it instantly more appealing.

Restaurant Worker #2 (Floyd): What?! What?!! Pray tell!!! Dip it in chocolate? Smother it in bacon? Throw it in the garbage and start over?

Restaurant Worker #1 (Yengi): No, No!! None of those. The obvious.

Restaurant Worker #2 (Floyd): I've stated the obvious. There are no other options.

Restaurant Worker #1 (Yengi): There is but one!!! We will serve it on a gleaming platter of foil. It is a matter of fact. Everyone loves foil. It's because it is shiny.

Standing ovations, long, much too long, beginning-to-get-awkward applause, an encore of bows......and finally,
The End.

Greetings, Earthlings

kcrawford70@cox.net (Miss Odious Vile) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:48:00 GMT

So this here's my new blog. Having worked from home on the Internets (sic) for 10 years now, I run into lots and lots and lots of god awful, bad, bad, simply terrible photos. Especially ones used to sell or market products. It's dumbfounding really.

I'm truly amazed that people are so lazy when it comes to photography. Today's cameras are artistic workhorses. Virtually anyone can afford a camera that takes museum quality photos with the click of a button. But time and time again, rather than try to find optimal lighting (by say, opening a door and walking outside--how imaginative!), or taking a millisecond to remove the vibrator from the nightstand before shooting a dog hair covered Foghat t-shirt for eBay, people will just click, click, click away---"anything goes" style.

My aim? To ridicule those who take thoughtless photographs. Point blank. Let's face it. If you put photos out there that come close to making human eyes bleed, you're more or less asking for it.

So, here's to a long and happy marriage between blogger and blogee full of good-hearted snarky, fun-poking and hearty good chuckles---
Cheers!!!

And now..... (drumroll, please)
Our first contestant comes to us courtesy of eBay---

While the photo alone is funny in and of itself, the product description that accompanied this receding masterpiece is quite good. And I quote:

"Thisis soooo perfect! It is a 22" curly/wavy ponytail that comes in afinger clip/claw clip, or some people even call it alligator clip.

This beautiful hairpiece comes in a #4, A dark Brown!. It is sooo stunning and gorgeous! You are absolutely going to love this piece!!!

With this price you just can't go wrong. It is a MUST have for all wig wearers.

Curl it, tease it, style it anyway you want with this gorgeous ponytail.

~Stunning~"

Wow!!! You're right. This wig is both perfect and stunning. I've always wanted a hairpiece that I could just toss on and look great in. No need to front cash for pricey styling tools, like say, a mirror. A beautiful, albeit partial, head full of curls that would allow me to look like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3 when entering a room,

and Dog the Bounty Hunter as a brunette, on my way out.

I am pretty sure this look is a French-kissing cousin of the Kentucky Waterfall mullet. You know, like Tim Pawlenty just before he thought he would be picked as McCain's VP. Hoo-Boy! Bidness in the front, party in the back!!

Certainly the 80's-perm-hiked-into-a-banana-clip is a really nice look and something I'd think most women would definitely like to wear 20 years after its heyday. But, where this photo really sold me was the wig's careful placement, sitting a good 6 inches back from the forehead. Such ballsy protocol totally goes against fashion grain in a cutting edge Gaultier-esque way.

Most women I know, myself included, like to wear our hair sprouting out from the well, hairline------you know where it sort of usually appears in nature. The way I like to think of it is that if there were a seam joining the top of your head to your face, this is where it would occur.

In a bold move, that pushes both the style envelope AND the start of the hair back a half a foot, a very current, yet retro, 60s-inspired wide headband look is created. In this particular case, the role of the wide headband is being played by a bald scalp. Sort of a "headbald" versus a "headband", if you will. Now that's something I would have never thought of. Brilliant!